I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
