wakey wakey hands off snakey
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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