the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
