I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm both gender and math confused
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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