We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
