I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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