Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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