she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
