it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
