guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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