If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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