I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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