He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
