nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
