Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
