I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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