somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I want a musical about memes.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
