I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
