Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
