That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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