I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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