she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I want to fling myself into the sun
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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