remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
