Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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