i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
