She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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