yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
