My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
