perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
