He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
