Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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