We got so high we made milksteak
this boner is exhausting
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
