my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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