How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
