I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
