wrigley field is MILF paradise
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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