My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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