She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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