I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize