I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
