Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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