I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
