and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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