I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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