So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
