I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
