so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
