Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
