I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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