Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
