You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
