On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
