last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
bring money and cleavage
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
