I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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