This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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