i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
