Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
