I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize