When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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