If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize