Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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