You're earring is so big in my mouth
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
