he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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