ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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