I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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