Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
