If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize