i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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