dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
