Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
