we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I need a burrito and a hug.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
