Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
