Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize