it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
