WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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