I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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