my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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