I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
