you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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